A Change of Direction.

Journal, you are the type of friend that all deadbeats like me need. Someone who listens. Someone who puts good in without expectation of getting any good out. I’ve taken a little time off from writing. Why? Well, because my adorable three-year-old daughter caught some deathly malady from pre-school and brought it home to show everyone! I have been too sick to write. It’s almost as idiotic as the government’s concept of “too big to fail.” Both statements are complete lunacy, and the ramifications thereof, are catastrophic.

I got sick. Really sick. I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I spent many hours on my knees, praying to the porcelain god, asking it to spare my life. After my stint with the plague, the holidays came and I had to be “involved”. I couldn’t go to my little cave and write. I had no alternative but to keep a list of ideas that I could maybe write about. But now, it’s a Monday. A Monday after Thanksgiving. And I just need to get back on the horse. I started this writing career thingy, and then I just left it to sit in the snow— Literally. Snow. We got snow here in Lancaster, California. Hell Froze over. If that can happen, maybe, just maybe, I can find success.

I feel like I need a change of direction, Journal. I started a YouTube channel a while back, and well- I think it needs a bit of tweaking (understatement of the century) I made a couple videos about writing. I think the initial idea for the channel was to vlog about blogging. To make videos documenting my writing career. The more that I think about it, that’s an interesting idea. But it has no depth. If I just write about writing, I am going to run out of content real quick. I need to shift. I think the new direction of the channel is going to be what I am doing this all for— My family. We have big plans for 2020. It’s going to be a bumpy road. There are going to be several mistakes. But mistakes are fun. I’ve got to work toward the vision I have for the future. My future. My family’s future. It’s radical, but it’s so good.

Truth be told, Journal, Kimmy and I are concerned. This world that we are preparing our two daughters to live their lives in, It is scary. It is a formidable place. Parts of it are beautiful. But if they don’t learn how to handle it properly, they run a high risk of being injured by it. So what are we to do, Journal? How do we protect our daughters from this place, yet teach them how to live a life, constantly immersed in its hazards? That is a tough one. One of the most valuable and coveted possessions in the world is freedom. I have a certain view of what I want my future to look like. Months are turning into years with my wife. I am discovering (much to my relief) that she has similar concerns and views in her head. We need to focus on our daughters, they are the best thing that we will leave behind in this turbulent world. We only have 18 precious years of childhood to prepare them for battle. For freedom.

Journal, I have a dirty little secret. I need to say it out loud, but I am so afraid. I don’t want to be misunderstood. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. But there is a truth inside me that I just can’t ignore. I’d shout it from the rooftops if I could. I want to yell. I hate the conflict inside. I’ve confided in you so far, I might as well continue. Journal, I got married way too young. I love my life. I love my wife. I love my children. I have the perfect family. I found my people. I found where I need to be and who I need to be with. A ‘but’ should not be at the end of those statements. However, is it ever really fair to bury a reality? Burying a truth will not keep it from making itself known and exploding.

I found my family before I found myself. I’m grateful for them. But it is much harder to explore my identity, now that I have a family. Ironically, I need to discover who I am for their sake. I know that I will be a better father to my kids and a better husband to my wife If I know who that man is. What we all need is freedom. Freedom and joy are things that I desperately want to give my girls. When I tried to figure out a way to make that happen, Kimmy almost beat me to the punch. When we talked about it, One thing that we know for sure is government schools do not preach freedom. Kimmy and I are going to take the plunge and homeschool Lizzie and Charlotte. It is funny how life works. I am pursuing a career in professional writing like a duck on a June bug. I can work from basically anywhere. This freedom from a nine-to-five allows me to be a constant fixture in our kids’ lives. Journal, we don’t have anything standing in our way of giving our daughters the upbringing we want to. Kimmy and I don’t want to just teach our children about freedom. We want them to have freedom. We want to give it to them early, so they grow with freedom. Our life is going to go through some dramatic shifts in the near future. Instead of providing our kids an occasional glimpse of liberty, we are going to have the opportunity to embrace it with open arms. What will that opportunity look like? Well journal, we are still a little ways out from embarking on that journey. But if you’re down to keep watching, it I s going to be quite the show. The main takeaway is that I’m back, I’m not dead, I don’t want to be dead. I know where I want to go. Most Importantly, I have someone that wants to go to that same place with me.