Resolute.

Okay it’s time to fess up. It’s time that I get back to basics here. Here in my “Journal.” I’ve spent too much time fine tuning my work. I’ve lost focus on what this blog is supposed to be about. It is supposed to be raw, unedited, uncensored, and real. Real should mean live. There shouldn’t be a 5-second delay, like there is on TV to give the network a bit of protection, should something unsavory occur on-air. In my case, I’ve instituted a delay in my posts. It started out as a 5-hour delay. My 5-hour delay soon turned into a 5-day delay, a 5-week delay. Now I am staring down the 5th day of the new year— if I don’t get any keystrokes out now, I don’t think I ever will. I’m sorry I walked out. You’ve been good for me. This “break” I’ve taken, it started and continues to this day out of an emotion. A couple of people close to my writing, told me that I was getting kind of dark. I tried writing happier content. It didn’t work. I didn’t feel honest when I was writing. This whole thing is meant to be about honesty and emotion, right? So why was I censoring myself??? Well. I hit a stumbling block. I wasn’t ‘blocked’, per say. I was just trying to protect myself. I was also trying to protect my readers from myself. I don’t want people to stop reading because of a particular emotion that may come through in a post. I don’t want people to stop reading halfway through, because I can’t stop babbling. But the irony in all of this, is I have probably lost a lot of my readers by not posting. A metaphorical shot through my foot. So. Where are we now? In the past five weeks I’ve had highs and lows. Yesterday my youngest daughter turned one. That was a high. Seeing her walk- a high. Realizing that her crawling days are numbered- not so much. So here I am, Journal. Live and uncensored once again. 2020 is going to be a big year. Big things are coming. I resolve that through all of the things to come that I won’t forget to write to you. Maybe I will remember that you are one of the precious things that actually keeps me sane. I hope you stick around. Happy 2020.